I
need to begin to accept that, with all that I deal with, things are
always going to get harder before they get better for me. (The saying
“It's always darkest before the dawn” may have just as much
realism to it as it has cheesiness.) And I need to learn to be more
patient with myself when things get rough at first – even though I
never feel deserving of that patience. I continuously hope if I am
ruthless with myself that I will wake up one morning as not myself,
but as someone completely different – or that maybe the universe
will realize I am not worth being on this earth and decide to make me
disappear. I wish I knew how to change that mindset, and I am trying
to change that mindset, but it is going to get worse before it ever
gets better. And I need to learn to be patient and be shameless in
asking for others' patience through the rough times. I need to
somehow convince myself that I am at least worthy of that much –
even if it doesn't seem like I am. All in all, this post is a plea to
myself and to others for some patience. Because if I need anything
from this world right now, it is that.
As
a few people know, it's been three years now since I decided I was
going to conquer the voices in my head and the effects of the harsh
situations I've been in physically. It's been hard, living in a
situation where the changes I make are never enough to those who are
supposed to support me, to really look back and see how drastically I
have changed myself and my quality of life. I have come such a long
way though. What a lot of people don't know about me is that over the
past few years I have gone from barely being able to talk to people
or even leave the house to holding a job, traveling the country
alone, and attempting to figure out how to finally move out on my own
where I will have even more opportunity to grow as a person without
the criticism I get now. I have spent the past few years fighting to
deal with struggling with mental illnesses, to accept the bullying
that happened to me as a child at school, and to overcome the abuse
and neglect I suffered as a child at home. Over the past three years,
I have become a completely different person – and, up until now, I
have never really personally asked for much patience from others. I
guess I've never really felt as though I was working hard enough on
myself to deserve it and the things I needed to change I could do on
my own. I am starting to struggle being on my own now.
For
most of my life, I have been isolated from other people. I grew up
afraid of my family and my peers. I am still afraid of people. For as
long as I can remember, rejection has been everywhere I have turned.
First from my father who abandoned me, then from my mother who abused
and neglected me then eventually abandoned me as well, then my
grandparents who didn't adequately care for me, then extended family
who simply did not care. In school I failed to make friends, no
matter how I tried – and eventually the only attention I received
was from two other students who were planning to kill me with a
knife. By high school, I completely shut myself down to trying to
form relationships with others. It was less damaging than repeatedly
trying to open up and being rejected every time. But as I get older,
the loneliness I face is more damaging than anything else I have ever
dealt with. I am finding that I would rather be dead than continue on
living as lonely and isolated as I feel. So, over the past month or
so, I have been trying to open up to forming connections with other
people. I have been trying to show I care about other people and
trying to be someone who other people can care about.
And
I desperately need some patience. Because as I am trying to form
relationships with other people, my anxieties, insecurities,
frustrations with myself when I fail, and deeply-rooted feelings of
worthless and being unwanted are already showing their ugly faces
with meltdowns and lashing out – making be the burden on other
people that I always feel as though I already am.
Putting
myself out there, trying to form connections with other people for
the first time feels a lot like I am drowning and everyone else is
standing three feet away, screaming 'learn how to swim'. It seems as
though everyone has 'learned how to swim' so many years ago that
they've forgotten what it's like to first be introduced to the water.
They've forgotten what it's like to be in the deep end of the pool
with no lifeguard on duty for the first time - vulnerable and out in
the open, kicking their feet with nothing underneath them to support
them and no one to pull them out if they go under. And to even just
throw a life-jacket in for someone else, let alone teach them how to
swim, would be purposeless to everyone standing on the edge. There is
no need for someone who is just going to drown in the pool when they
could be surrounded by people who already know how to swim. I should
just get out of the pool so they can get back in the water. There is
no need for someone slowly learning to connect with people when they
already have their own group of friends. I feel as though the people
I try to connect with already have the people they want to be around,
and they have no time for someone new. At least not someone like me,
someone struggling just to stay above water. And the rejection is
like a weight being attached to my ankle, causing me to simply sink –
and once I'm under, people can breathe relief that I am finally gone
then forget I existed to begin with.
But I can't be alone anymore. I'm running out of oxygen under all this water and if I don't fight to learn how to swim, I am going to die by tying a weight around my own ankle. There is so much fear in connecting with others that before I learn how, I am going to freak out. But at least in freaking out, I know that I am fighting for air and not just sinking away. At least I know that I am trying and if I am still alone, I can't say I let fear consume me and didn't put in my best effort. And until I learn to teach myself how to swim, if I am ever going to learn how to be close to other people, I just need some patience.
